Long time no update...I'm been horribly busy. Graduation is May 16th and I'm freaking the crap out. My brother recently started blogging and some of his stuff is really pretty funny (he's rather tongue-in-cheek). Check out his site

I’m not a fan of bringing my personal life to the forefront in blogs (been there done that), but I have to get this pet peeve off my chest. There is this “girl” who blogs…she claims to be an actress (more specifically a comedian), and she blogs about how she wishes the world were more honest. Now, this is what really gets me…under occupation she put “actress,” under expertise she put “comedy,” and under industry she put “show business” uhhh - she is NOT an actress - she’s a college student, she is NOT a comedian - she’s not even that funny, and her industry is getting money from her parents. She writes about how people need to examine their lives and cut out the bullshit and be honest…um, honey, YOU’RE NOT AN ACTRESS YOU IDIOT!

Anywhoooo, this video is a 12 year old boy named Keenan Cahill. I've seen his videos before and he really just cracks me up. He's just being a 12 year old and he's completely comfortable with that. It's funny...enjoy.

 
 

Last weekend I went over to McDonald’s for some pre-drinking rations. I pulled up to the drive-thru speaker box and ordered…I then realized I’d need food for now (sober) and later (drunk) so I asked the woman for a plastic knife so I could eat half my Big Mac now and half when I was 2 sheets to the wind. I completed my order and was told to drive to window two - where this conversation took place: 

Genius: How many sets of cultree do you need?
Me [utterly confused]: Uh…what?
Genius [clearly annoyed]: How many sets of cultree do you need?
Me [growing more confused]: Um…what’s cultree?
Genius [astounded at my lack of knowledge concerning the English language]: You know…like a knife and fork?
Me [biting my lip to prevent me from laughing in her face]: You mean cutlery?
Genius [not giving a crap]: Uh, yeah whatever.
Me [dumbfounded]: One will be just fine, thanks. 

Now, if drive-thru Stephen Hawking had been a pimple-faced 16 year old, I probably would have shrugged it off but no, this was a middle aged McDonald’s employee…no words.

 
 

Every so often there is a video on the internet that makes me laugh so hard, that I cry…this is one of those videos. The back story behind this particular video is that a bunch of friends got together and decided to drop a few tabs of acid. Suddenly they realized one of their friends had gone missing. Minutes later they discovered him alone in a bedroom closet, talking to himself. Instead of coaxing him out of the closet they decided to record his ramblings and later animate it.

 

In other news…I was given the name and email of a sitcom writer who currently lives in Manhattan, she’s also an alumni of Castleton. I’m hoping that over spring break I’ll be able to take her out to lunch and meet with her. This is exactly the kind of thing I should be doing right now in order to get my name out there and my foot in the door. Wish me luck!

 
 

So...as many people know, I have an unusual fascination with wikipedia. I wiki EVERYTHING. Recently I wikied my birthday and finally, my life (oddities and all) makes perfect sense. Various exciting things happened on my birthday, as well as the birth of some very awesome people. I'd like to now breakdown some of the amazing events that happened in history on August 4th - and more importantly, why my life is the way it is.

Events:
1693 - Date traditionally ascribed to Dom Perignon's invention of Champagne.
*This explains my love for champagne*

1892 - The family of Lizzie Borden is found murdered in their Fall River, Massachusetts home.
*This explains my love of violence*

1944 - The Holocaust: a tip from a Dutch informer leads the Gestapo to a sealed-off area in an Amsterdam warehouse where they find
JewishdiaristAnne Frank and her family.
*This explains my love of Jewish people*

Births:
1792 - Percy Bysshe Shelley, English poet (d. 1822)
*This explains why I became an English major*

1821 - Louis Vuitton, French designer (d. 1892)
*This explains my love for overpriced purses*

1961 - Barack Obama, 44th
President of the United States
*This explains my love for democrats*

 

I called my mom to explain this revelation to her - she was not as enthused about it as I would have hopped. Granted it was 6am and I was wired, but still...when your child has a life altering realization like that, a little enthusiasm isn't too much to ask for, is it?

 
 

I really wish I had some sweet camera skills. I could totally do stuff like this - mainly because I'm insane - but also because...nope, I'm just insane.

 

OH OH OH! My 2nd "Thursday 13" article on CollegeHumor.com made it to the most viewed page. View that shit here ->
http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1769328

 
 

Lesson #2

Upload your MRI images onto facebook and tell everyone you're brain is too big for your skull and you have to have "cranial expansion" and you'll be out of commission for the next month or so…

 
 

bottle of water - check

half finished bottle of wine - check

enormous jug of human urine - check

half finished gallon of milk - check

bottle of gatorade - check

 

Lesson #1 - take pictures of your jug of urine, upload them onto Facebook, and add catchy captions.

 
 

Apparently, if you want your man to be faithful all you have to do is buy him more video games. This seems to be a sound approach to the ever growing popularity of the "stick ya dick anywhere" pandemic. I'm very glad there is finally a solution to this horrific problem.

 

In other news…my first article in the “Thursday 13” series that I’m writing on CollegeHumor.com is up, check it out and tell your friends (http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1768734). The more views my articles get, the better! 


 
 

On a recent trip to New Jersey, I was astounded at how much suckage really took place there. First, the convenience stores...WaWa? Really, you couldn't come up with a better name? You HAD to name your store after the sound the adults made in Peanuts? Second, the guys...gahh, enough said. Third, your state just sucks. Nothing good ever came from New Jersey - and don't give me that Bon Jovi is from New Jersey bullshit because Bon Jovi sucks too! My brother found this little pie chart that I feel quite accurately describes the hair gel usage of the world. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did...and Happy New Year (you suckers).


 
 

You know those nights where you can't sleep (which for an insomniac is every night) so you take out a sheet of paper and just free write? This was the outcome of a most recent 4am free write. I don't hate it...

Point of View: Body

I have been lived in...
    I have scars & scrapes
        I have wrinkles & gray strays
            I have stretch marks & calluses
I have been lived in...
    I have shed tears of joy & screamed in pain
        I have seen war & victory
            I have loved & lost
I have been lived in....
    I have been above the clouds & below the ocean
        I have held hands & kissed cheeks
            I have shivered & sweat
I have been lived in...   
     I have been lived in and it was good
        I have been lived in and it was bad
            I have been lived in and I have proof