*While at dinner for my brothers birthday*

Waitress: and what can I get for you?
Me: a lemonberry martini...then come back in 30 minutes, we'll see how i feel
Mom: you can't just have liquor for dinner
Me: tons of people do it
Mom: no one respectable has liquor for dinner
Me: everyone i respect has liquor for dinner
Mom: that's not funny
Me: it wasn't a joke
Mom: i'm not laughing
Me: i know
Mom: this isn't funny
Me: i know
Mom: are you trying to become an alcoholic?
Me: you'll never know what you can achieve if you don't try
*While taking a service call...*

IM: look ms. ****** (insert company name)
Me: sir, that's not my last name
IM: well you work there, so isn't that your last name?
Me: no, why would that be my last name?
Me: right but that doesn't mean that's my last name...the people that work at best buy don't have the last name best buy...
IM: right but your company is family owned
Me: ok? again, that doesn't mean that's my last name
Me: i don't see how this pertains to the conversation and i'm not comfortable disclosing that to you
IM: WHY!?!
Me: because i watch a lot of CSI and law & order
IM: i'm not going to murder you or anything
Me: i understand that but again, it has nothing to do with this conversation

*He hung up...if I get murdered...check my phone log*
*Mom gives Dad her deli order, which he screws up - leaving her angry*

Mom: he fuckin' put mayo on it!
Me: sorry...
Mom: why would he do this!?!
Me: he forgot?
Mom: why would he do this!?!
Me: it's not a big deal.
Mom: why would he do this!?!
Me: no idea...
Mom: i'm totally serious, why would be do his!?!
Me: why don't you just murder him? i'm sure no jury would convict you - especially after hearing of the harsh living conditions you've had to deal with, i mean mayo on a sandwich, fuck that's tough!
*While looking for the days mail*

Mom: oh, is this all the mail today?
Me: yup
Mom: just 3 pieces?
Me: yup
Mom: really, just the yankee trader an two bills?
Me: yup
Mom: are you sure?
Me: yup
Mom: did you put other pieces on a different location?
Me: why the fuck would i hide your mail!?!
*While looking out onto patio*

Mom: so no one was in the pool tonight?
Me: no
Mom: no?
Me: no
Mom: no one went in the pool?
Me: correct
Mom: really?
Me: no one was in the pool
Mom: are you sure?
Me: yes
Mom: i think you're fibbing
Me: would i fucking lie about that?!?