Setting the stage:

Last night – 9:34pm

Location – last row of treadmills at Plant Fitness

Image – doors swing open, a cool breeze rushes around a tall Indian boy in his late teens, sending his long hair whipping around his face…it is Sanjaya of American Idol fame (or so I choose to believe). He is donning a sick pair of plaid, tear away, windbreaker work out pants & a Mariah Carey concert t-shirt. He gets on the treadmill next to me and I can see he is loading the newest Whitney Houston album on his iPhone. My life is complete. I nearly fall off the treadmill and have to leave in extreme embarrassment.
My coworker and I visited a waxing salon on our lunch break this week. 

You know that pain that’s so intense that you don’t even say anything? Yup…been there. Getting your vagina waxed is kind of like seeing your grandmother naked or walking in on your parents having sex…painful, traumatizing and something that IF it happens, you pray it’s only that one time. My under regions are still sore…and I can’t really walk comfortably yet. I had an Asian woman in my special place for like 15 entire minutes. I usually take an anxiety pill before visiting the gynecologist…and that’s a DOCTOR! I think the worst part about the whole thing was that we had to go back to work afterwards. AWKWARD!
First of all, congrats to my cousin Bryan and his new wife Jen - and, screw you for getting married in New Jersey on a Friday.

I am pleased to annouce that I now get sick from just about everything I eat...and if I look at another cup of Greek yogurt or a piece of fruit I'm going to get violent. I think I'm allergic to wheat and starch (which blows).

Also, I bought a leather arm chair...set me back a cool $244 - but whatevers, it's bangin'
For the 3 people that read this...I'm sitting at Delta Gate 29...awaiting my flight to see my twin in New England...and I honestly forgot how weird airports could be. I'm sitting a few seats down from an Asian group, the littlest Asian is giving the biggest Asian an odd Asian leg rub and laughing hysterically - I bet they are speaking in tongue about wantons and Kim Jong Il. A few rows ahead of us is this Polish woman - how do I know she's Polish? I can smell the kielbasa and sauerkraut leaking from her pores. Anyway Miss Poland 2009 is wearing a REALLY bad ass pair of brown orthopedic kicks that could almost pass for those Steve Madden platform sneakers from 1999 - but they say very clearly on the bottom "intended for support of the lower back" (I can read this because she has her feet up).

*EDIT* Shortly after this was posted, the Asians got into a straight up "fast & furious" style fight...screaming Asian words and everything...they were carted off and I gather deported...
Super quick update:

Thumbs Up
Book about labotomy 
Search for a Jeep 
Spending Labor Day in Boston

Thumbs Down
Constant charlie horses
My phone shitting out
Obama wanting free healthcare (if you want it, move the fuck to Canada or France- a

No Michael rock MY world.


My brother has swine flu...I'm allergic to the meds they give family members. Awesome.

In other news, my friend Patch and I were discussing the various things we'd do if we had access to a midget/a troupe of midgets. If I had only one midget, I'd prefer for it to be of the Mexican persuasion, I'd get it a sombrero and a belt made of various hot sauces...I'd call it "my value sized burrito" - Dad says I'm going to hell. If I had a troupe of midgets I'd dress them in green corduroy overalls and make them build me a tree house like the Keebler Elves, only they wouldn’t be allowed to bake things in the tree because everyone knows that’s how the California wildfires start every year. If that turned out to be boring I'd give them blue wetsuits, tape dolphin fins to their backs, throw them in the pool and pretend it was a family of baby dolphins. Lastly, if all else failed I'd send them out to sell beef jerky on the side of the highway and make them scream "buy my shriveled meats!"

It really is fun being me…

Well, graduation was weird. I didn't cry at the ceremony but the day after (while packing up my apartment) I completely lost it. 3 years of my life fit into a Santa Fe and a weird.

It was a beautiful thing, getting a diploma. I never felt a real sense of pride about graduating college, I kind of felt it was something everyone did. As the ceremony grew nearer, I realized that about 1/4 of my high school class had already dropped out of college, that it was becoming more normal for a bachelors degree to take 5 years and that I really should be proud of my accomplishments - I'm the first person in my family to get a bachelors.

I'm proud...I'm also confused as to why the font/color of my blog has changed. Guh.

I'm renting a moon bounce and getting a keg for my graduation party, oh the hilarity!