*Discussing my obsession with Jewish men...*

Me: So, they kicked me off JDate.com
Mom: What? Why? What is JDate?
Me: A dating website for Jews...
*Silence*
Mom: But you're not Jewish
Me: No, I'm not Jewish but I loves me the Jewish men & I'd love to snag a Jew hubby
Mom: What is wrong with you?
Me: You wouldn't want a Jewish son-in-law? You wouldn't love me if I brought home my very own Jew?
Mom: I can't believe we're talking about this. What is wrong with you?
Me: You know I love Jewish men mom, I don't know why you're so upset about this...
Mom: I thought you were kidding...like that time at Thanksgiving where you told everyone you were a lesbian because Daddy & I didn't love you
Me: Who says I was kidding about that?
*She burst into tears and walked away*

*While discussing our upcoming trip to Citi Field...*

Mom: I don't think I want to go, it's outside and it might be cold
Me: It's under a structure, these seats cost $180 a piece!
Mom: Well, where are the seats?
Me: Look online, go to the website
*She looked at the online seating chart*
Mom: OH MY GOD!
Me: What?
Mom: THESE SEATS ARE INSANE!
Me: I know, they cost $180 a seat, they'd better be awesome
Mom: Look at all the different consession stands around the seats! Man, I'm so in!
Me: I get VIP tickets and you're pumped about the ballpark foods?
 

*While paying my bills online...*

Mom: What are you doing?
Me: Paying my Old Navy bill online
Mom: I didn't know you could do that
*At this point I'm having trouble with the account, we share an account & she messes with it*
Me: Have you touched the online access to this account?
Mom: No
Me: Then why can't I get into it?
Mom: I don't know
Me: Why is your bank account listed on here?
Mom: I don't know
Me: Did you use the online portion of this account?
Mom: Yes
Me: Seconds ago...you didn't know you could do this...
*She stares blankly ahead*
Me: What did you change all the security answers to?
Mom: I don't know
Me: Are you retarded?
Mom: I don't think so

*While talking about home facials...*

Mom: Did you know if you put a wet wash cloth in the microwave, it's like a steam facial?
Me: Yup
Mom: Seriously, it's amazing!
Me: Uh huh
Mom: No, really...
Me: I know and for the record, you didn't invent hot towels
Mom: I'm serious, it's great for your skin
Me: I know
Mom: You've gotta try it
Me: No I don't
Mom: Really?
Me:...
Mom: C'mon
Me:...

Eventually she tired of the silence and walked away...

*While at dinner for my brothers birthday*

Waitress: and what can I get for you?
Me: a lemonberry martini...then come back in 30 minutes, we'll see how i feel
Mom: you can't just have liquor for dinner
Me: tons of people do it
Mom: no one respectable has liquor for dinner
Me: everyone i respect has liquor for dinner
Mom: that's not funny
Me: it wasn't a joke
Mom: i'm not laughing
Me: i know
Mom: this isn't funny
Me: i know
Mom: are you trying to become an alcoholic?
Me: you'll never know what you can achieve if you don't try

*While taking a service call...*

IM: look ms. ****** (insert company name)
Me: sir, that's not my last name
IM: well you work there, so isn't that your last name?
Me: no, why would that be my last name?
IM: WELL YOU WORK THERE
Me: right but that doesn't mean that's my last name...the people that work at best buy don't have the last name best buy...
IM: right but your company is family owned
Me: ok? again, that doesn't mean that's my last name
IM: WELL WHAT IS YOUR LAST NAME?!?
Me: i don't see how this pertains to the conversation and i'm not comfortable disclosing that to you
IM: WHY!?!
Me: because i watch a lot of CSI and law & order
IM: i'm not going to murder you or anything
Me: i understand that but again, it has nothing to do with this conversation

*He hung up...if I get murdered...check my phone log*

*Mom gives Dad her deli order, which he screws up - leaving her angry*

Mom: he fuckin' put mayo on it!
Me: sorry...
Mom: why would he do this!?!
Me: he forgot?
Mom: why would he do this!?!
Me: it's not a big deal.
Mom: why would he do this!?!
Me: no idea...
Mom: i'm totally serious, why would be do his!?!
Me: why don't you just murder him? i'm sure no jury would convict you - especially after hearing of the harsh living conditions you've had to deal with, i mean mayo on a sandwich, fuck that's tough!

*While looking for the days mail*

Mom: oh, is this all the mail today?
Me: yup
Mom: just 3 pieces?
Me: yup
Mom: really, just the yankee trader an two bills?
Me: yup
Mom: are you sure?
Me: yup
Mom: did you put other pieces on a different location?
Me: why the fuck would i hide your mail!?!

*While looking out onto patio*

Mom: so no one was in the pool tonight?
Me: no
Mom: no?
Me: no
Mom: no one went in the pool?
Me: correct
Mom: really?
Me: no one was in the pool
Mom: are you sure?
Me: yes
Mom: i think you're fibbing
Me: would i fucking lie about that?!?